There’s never been a better time to hop into the Hitman series than right now, as developer IO Interactive’s glorious World of Assassination trilogy has created the definitive take on the global assassination trade. Currently available on PC, PlayStation and Xbox platforms, those of you who happen to have a Game Pass subscription on Microsoft’s brand of gaming hardware can also sample the lethal wares through that service.
With dozens of locations and opportunities for murder, where does one even begin with Hitman? As someone who has sunk hundreds of hours into all three games since 2016, I’m eminently qualified to teach you the ABCs of assassination, if that word had a B or a C in it. I’ve shot down planes with ye olde cannons, tricked a movie star into a high-powered grinder, and killed two birds with one out-of-control locomotive because dammit I get the job done!
With years of experience and several FBI agents monitoring my social media feed after I boasted about murdering a billionaire heiress with an actual iron maiden torture device, allow me to share some knowledge with you about some of the most gloriously twisted carnage you can wreak inside of the Hitman trilogy.
Kill Santa
Wish you could take that lump of coal you received for Xmas and use it to bean a jolly old fat man right in the face? Good news! Once a year, Hitman hosts ol’ Saint Nick as he rampages through the Parisian mansion of the game’s first level, and it’s up to you to stop him from leaving a deadly trail of festive cheer and heartwarming gifts across the location. How you off the yuletide bastard is up to you, but the added bonus here is that you can pilfer Kris Kringle’s corpse and steal his signature look for some more merry mayhem. There’s no better gift than a piano-wire necklace, in this delightful seasonal activity.
Make golf exciting
Decades after Happy Gilmore proved that golf could be exciting when you add beer, Bob Barker karate Kumite, and James Bond villains to the PGA Masters, we’ve yet to see the sport pounce on that golden opportunity. What you can do at least, is head on over to the Sapienza level and grab an explosive golf ball from Agent 47’s hideout. Infiltrate the manor of your target, slip it into the basket, and watch the sparks fly. Alternatively, you can lob it at some unlucky bystander for a one-shot kill should be worth at least several birdies. That’s how golf works, right?
Stick it to the one-percenters
There’s a running theme in the Hitman trilogy about billionaires being the absolute worst, which isn’t exactly untrue. While you won’t be able to take on a mission that has you tasked with murdering some guy whose name rhymes with Alan Tusk, you can hop over to the Isle of Sgàil and infiltrate a shindig that’s populated by the richest criminals that the world has to offer. Sure there’s some security to deal with, but having an island packed with Illuminati members, the richest of the rich, and no escape while you work some financial catharsis across the island is a risk well worth taking.
Try your hand at wine-making
Over in Hitman 3’s Mendoza level, there’s a gorgeous environment to explore. If you’re not too distracted by the revelry going on around you, you can pop on down to the wine-making facility and marvel at the gigantic grape-crushing machine. Can it fit an absurd number of people inside of it and be used to craft a crimson claret? The answer is yes. I know this because I spent several hours painstaking murdering all the security in that level, knocking out every NPC, and hauling their bodies to the gigantic crusher. No, I don’t have problems.
The showstopper
Speaking of leaving no witnesses behind, one of the most elaborate methods for dealing with the Paris level’s pair of targets is to drop a gigantic lighting structure on them. It requires some patience, planning, and at least one disguise that convinces people that you’re a world-famous supermodel, but the explosive result is well worth it. Sure, there’s plenty of collateral damage, but the added bonus here is that you can stick a day-old baguette up the exhaust pipe of French law enforcement when they have to process this crime scene.
A room with a moose
I just wanted to make an Invader Zim reference. Anyway, the Marrakesh level in Hitman has a prime opportunity to drop a gigantic Moose statue on top of a con artist’s head. Bonus points if you scream “A ROOM WITH A MOOSE” before you do it.
Mumbai fan club
Mumbai is a claustrophobic level in Hitman 2, but it’s also brimming with opportunity. Especially if you want to start a career in film! There’s a Bollywood production in full swing here, and once you infiltrate the film set, you can do some behind-the-scenes engineering that will see your target meet his biggest fan. And be blown away from the contraption as he takes a fatal dive off the edge of the skyscraper that his romantic scene is being shot on. How’s that for a finale?
Surgeon simulator
One day, our surgeries will be done entirely by machines. You just better hope that the AI running it isn’t a spin-off of Doom Eternal, as this little bit of tampering from Agent 47 in the Hokkaido level turns the operating table into a butcher’s block. Somehow, I don’t think Mr. Soders is going to recover from several dozen stab wounds.
Electronic Death Music
Berlin is easily one of the best levels in the Hitman trilogy, not just because of its superb and multi-layered design, but because you can drop the bass in an underground rave. And by dropping the bass, I mean rigging a laser-light–eat it, Club Avastar–to deliver a lethal barrage of photons to a pair of ICA agents who are watching you perform a killer set. Remember, Agent 47 has the skills to absolutely murder you on the dance floor. How the turntables indeed.
Hungry hungry hippo
Hippos may look like wonderful chocolate mascots or remind us that doctors must uphold their oath to do no harm, but nothing could be further from the truth. Bloodthirsty killing machines that are almost as terrible as penguins, you’d do well to avoid approaching one of the monsters unless you want to be snapped in half by their mighty jaws. What better way to kill not-Pablo Escobar than to feed the drug kingpin Rico Delgado to his beloved pet? Drug barons, the much-more-munch czar.
You can have your vegan cake and eat it
There’s just something delightfully-devilish about making a bratty, untalented, wannabe rock star choke to death on his organic cake, especially when he parades around the Bangkok hotel level and believes that daddy’s money makes him above the law.
I believe I can fly
Dubai, land of the rich and at least two targets who are about to learn that no dizzying-high altitude will save them from Agent 47’s wrath. This entire skyscraper level is themed around working your way up the glamorous structure so that you can take care of business, but if you mess it up, you’ll risk seeing your targets parachute to safety from the top of the building. Or you could make them think that they’ve escaped 47’s reach, only for them to discover that someone tampered with their parachutes using a kitchen knife. At least the pair of wealthy hoodlums will contribute to society when they leave artistic blood spatters on the ground.
Killer workout
Never underestimate the benefit of having someone spot you at the Haven Island gym on the bench press machine. Just make certain that your coach isn’t bald and has a barcode at the base of his skull because there’s no way that your neck muscles can survive an absurd amount of weight and an opportunistic assassin adding extra pressure. But at least you’ll die while looking ripped, bro.
Death by Yoga
Sticking to the theme of exercise gone hilariously awry, the Hokkaido stage has a prime opportunity to stretch your muscles and benefit from ancient breathing techniques. You’ll be joined by your target Yuki Yamazaki in this exercise, as you both shift from standing tree to warrior poses, and then finally, standing-precariously-close-to-a-deadly-drop. I do hope no harm…befalls…Yuki.
Whack-a-mole
What could possibly go wrong in the Whittleton Creek suburbs? Plenty, if you’re an assassin with a creative flair for murder. While you’ll be able to spend this level tricking a bodyguard into tripping an explosive safe room, poisoning your targets with fumigation gone wrong, and at least one neck-breaking massage session, nothing beats tormenting an old man with molehills and waiting for him to spot the remote control explosive you’ve hidden inside of it.